


Love the only way he can control it

by GeneHuntSyndrome



Category: Preacher (TV)
Genre: A load of rubbish really, Basically my head cannon as to the way Dominic Coopers playing him, Drabble, F/M, No Plot, No structure, Probably a load of shit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-11
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-07-23 00:31:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7459620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeneHuntSyndrome/pseuds/GeneHuntSyndrome
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My own ideas of Jesse/Tulips relationship and why he's so cold with her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love the only way he can control it

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because it ticks me off that everyone says theirs no chemistry between Jesse and Tulip because she’s basically pursuing him and he’s indifferent. I thought I’d put down my take on why he’s acting like that. This essentially ignores the end of 1x06 and 1x07.

* * *

 

 

 

He wanted to be good, both of them to be good so god-damn badly, but she didn’t care about that. She cared about revenge and doing what was ‘right’ as if he wasn’t trying to do that himself just in a different way. He had been a bigger person. Dropped all of that hatred and anger she carried around like armour and gave himself over to something else. Tulip stood in front of him, a life he was trying to give up. Had somewhat successfully given up before she came back again. She cut deeper each time they they crossed paths, trying to get him to crack, split open and tell her it was a joke. That this was not who he was now. So when he dug his heels in, gripped the ground with such zealous ferocity the confusion on her face was not surprising. The bare way he could see the panic on her face that he wasn’t joining her. That this might not just be a passing phase for him. That this might be the Jesse Custer she had loved all along.

He wondered what people saw when they looked at the two of them. Of her challenging him and pushing him, determined to find the man she knew. Her fury at his total refusal to get caught back up in the life they used to have. People would watch as he looked back at her, might see the face of a good man trying to convert this sinner. They probably thought he was humouring her, this old flame who wouldn’t let go of what they once had. They would hear the words he said and watch the way he kept his distance, missing everything else. Missing the way it was taking him so much effort to treat her like that. 

Sometimes it can be the absolute _lack_ of something that lets you know. All the things that were lacking between them, despite their history, that made people think she was some desperate ex that was an irritation to him at best. As if he could be warm to her. Or kind, or anything other than exasperated. He had to keep his distance from her, because for him, Tulip never was or would be something he could just dabble in. She could not be investigated once, to fill some sort of curiosity or itch. She was already beneath his skin, even after their time apart and if he got any closer he was liable to give everything up. She was the liquor he promised himself he wouldn’t drink. One slip and all of his good behaviour would be for nothing. She was not just someone he wanted. Tulip was everything. She was the kiss of blood on his knuckles and late night conversations on warm sheets. She was bad cooking and fast cars, and every good thing he had in the world so he could not seem kind. He could not afford that weakness in front of someone who watched him so carefully.

She was not someone he could flirt with. He had to be cold, to cut her off and keep her back because she wasn’t the sort of person he could afford to let in a little bit. Couldn’t even smile back, couldn’t let himself feel what he always wanted to when she was around because otherwise that would be it. He would be gone again, back to that life of sin and blood and booze, like he wasn’t already there anyway. Except this time there would be no redemption. There would be no sudden desire to repent and make things better. Tulip was all he needed. All he wanted, but that wasn’t the point. That wasn’t Gods plan for him, at least not now.

His coldness was not indifference - it was love the only way he could control it. He had built a damn wall around himself, masks and layer that other people would buy. So thick that even Tulip couldn’t see through it. Wrapped that sacrilegious bullshit so tightly he couldn’t even tell if it was an act anymore. Religion was a pristine weapon against her and thank the lord, because she was not what he needed. He needed stability and calm, to be a good preacher and carry out Gods plan. And yes, he could stop her if he wanted to. He knew her so well, all those soft spots she left unguarded and it would be too easy to cut her down with harsh words. But he didn’t want to hurt her, never had really, so he would rather risk her being around him that push her away.

Tulip would burrow into any gap she could see, because that was who she was. She was a lioness, hunting him, searching for weakness in this preacher skin he had pulled over himself. Jesse knew that any sign it was working, that her coming back and trying to tempt him away from his duty, and she would never give up. She would never allow him to get the damn job done, because to her it wasn’t a job worth doing. And she had started helping out at the church. Folding things and moving things and this was a side to her he couldn’t handle. He could deal with her using sex as a weapon, or even an actual weapon as a weapon, but this kindness and patience was ruining his composure. The more she was there, the more she was helping out and fucking trying, the more he was having to fight against giving in.

He knew better than to think he could keep away forever. They would never really be over, Jesse knew that like he knew his own name, but she had to give him time. So he would keep on treating Tulip like he was, all cold and separate and like she wasn’t  another part of him. He just had to do this thing. Fix this forsaken town, and then he would be free.

**Author's Note:**

> I know this isn't my best and I want to put in an actual good fic for this fandom at some point, but for now this will have to do.


End file.
